Mud Hearts
by Cheshire Catz
Summary: Trashed the sweater and ditched the heavy liner' - she's ready to show herself to the world.. well - Shermer High... With the shadows of her former "Basket Case" reputation lingering - Allison dating the school's star athlete doesn't play well.. In a continuous sequence of: rule-breaking, screaming, red-lipstick, hidden kisses, weird music, teen troubles..welcome to High School.


**Chapter One**

**_Musings About Monday_**

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_"I don't wanna be alone anymore" I'd confessed my voice had fallen to a whisper. For a moment all I could hear was the frantic drumming of my heart, combined with the ticking of the twenty minutes too fast library clock. Knowing my own mouth had just revealed my inner demons to somebody I hardly knew, was positively surreal. Had I said something wrong? Did Andy understand? In that moment, I was relying on Andrew's opalescent gaze for an answer. I was waiting._

Waiting for a sign..a smile... a smirk, a snicker, a grimace.. _anything._

He merely shook his head and uttered softly "You don't have to be.."

_"You don't have to be"_ I muse to myself while picking up some papers which scattered my bedroom floor. Cursing once, I give up my attempts at tidying my floor and instead kick a pathway through the clutter.

It seemed so simple, the truth was; I didn't have to be alone. But being alone was all I knew! My reclusive demons had ingrained themselves into me long ago, shaping who I was. The term "alone" was _all_ I was. Then only** today**, suddenly somebody, other than my shrink had told me that I didn't have isolate myself, and a light lit up my seemingly dark world. Something happened in that library between all five of us. I knew whatever it was, **"it"** touched the hearts of all of us and altered us for the better.

Rain pelts heavily outside, rapping on the window's like a mysterious stranger. I move one of my dark grey curtains, a subtle glow of light flooded into the room. Puddles were forming on the concrete outside, reflecting the sky which swirled into an ocean of white and grey. A ginger cat, perhaps the only color in this god forsaken neighborhood darted behind a wall to safety. I live in a dull neighborhood, quiet, mysterious, and lonely. I felt safe and warm in my darkened bedroom, with the heater turned up.

With the cover of darkness shielding light from my room, I was free to think. I found solitude in the darkness, here I was not judged, here only my thoughts existed.

Catching my reflection in the glass, it was like I was looking at a completely different person. My new look has Claire written all over it _-of course._ With the flecks of pastel pink and a light hand with the makeup, I look.. normal..? When I looked into the mirror this morning, I was a stranger to myself, hidden beneath layers of ill-fitting clothing and heavy eyeliner. Now looking at myself, I was also a stranger. I toyed at the flamboyant headband sitting on my head, instantaneously I thought of a dove's fluffy tail and grinned.

"Frilly and white.." I noted flicking at a feather, "Well.. I guess it's not that bad"

I heard Andrew's voice and I felt a stupid grin twitching at my lips _"I can see your face..."_

_"Is that good or bad?"_

_"...It's good"_

Wrapping Andrew's blue jacket tighter around my shoulders, I headed over to my bed. Which was a tattered mattress placed on an aging cream carpet. Strewn on the mattress, one flat pillow covered by a bleach stained pillow case. In the heap of fabric was my grey duvet, and some more crumpled papers. Falling down stupidly on the mattress, I immediately felt the hard floor through the dead sack of springs and feathers. A crash of thunder rattled the clouds, and shook a thought from me.

_I don't have to hide from the world anymore._

I'm not a serial killer, and never broke _serious_ laws.. Well except..that one..actually no - ha.. Never mind! Overall, **I'm not a bad person!** Sure, over the years I've become estranged from society, and some what alien.. but isolating myself didn't make any rational sense.. right? Sitting on my little bed, in my little dark room, my mind swirled with fragments of the day and these fragments were deeply entwined with my own screwed up emotions. Before I knew it, these fragments began to whirl vigorously and my head pounded with this dynamic whirl pool. Little did I know that this was my own personal calm, before a storm.

Plucking my journal from my school bag, I hastily flipped the front cover and began writing. Channeling my emotions through drawing and writing was perhaps the only useful thing my shrink had told me to do. A jolt of impatience sparked in my hands, and before I realized what was happening, my hand was racing across the journal's blank pages as I confided in them. I knew if my journal were my mother, she would be pleased to hear of this news. Her teenage daughter is finally showing normal teenage behavior, little Ally is thinking about boys, school, and had her very first kiss! I rolled my eyes at these mediocre "teen troubles" but then my eyes softened and twinkled in recollection as I remembered the kiss - My cheeks warmed significantly. It was _**perfect.**_

_Passing by, the March air was chilled - but refreshing as it promised the arrival of spring. His eyes, oh those eyes! The elaborate and embarrassingly sappy metaphors I could use to describe that boy's eyes! _I burned a brighter red as I relived the memory. Hell! I'm glad my journal isn't my mother. I'd never talk to my mom or dad about something so personal! We're hardly on a "good morning - good night" basis..

The sound of pen against paper faltered a little.

...

Just then I spied my newly swiped item, Andrew's state champion patch placed in arms reach. Grinning like a Cheshire cat I ran my fingers over the circle, I chuckle recalling Andrew's lack of acknowledgment when I ripped the patch off his arm in the parking lot. .. I'm not sure what possessed me to rip it off his arm though. Our eyes locked caught in a perfect reverie..a brilliant streak of lightning flashed through the sky.

_"blue eyes"_ I noted grabbing for a light blue coloring pencil.

Andrew and I's conversation took me back to the library when I was doubled over the book-case sulking. I felt as if I were dreaming when he asked me if I wanted to talk. Suddenly an unsuspected cold spell pierced me though not from the March rain. I felt cold with vulnerability. Andrew was the first person in the whole of the universe who I've confided in - besides my shrink of course. The first person who had run after me when I was upset and asked if I wanted to talk about my issues. The first person who actually gave a-

"Shit!.." I exclaimed as the blue lead suddenly snapped.

I thought about Claire, and suddenly the word "cherry" popped up as it's Bender's nickname for Claire. I fumbled through my pencil-case for an auburn color as well as a crimson pencil.

What seemed like minutes had actually been two hours that had passed by in an outlet of grey, forest green, ashy blonde, red and the annoying sound of pencils clashing against each other. The faint sound of my breath was drowned out by the dancing droplets outside.

"There!" huffing in relief, I slammed the final pencil down.

I had drawn all five of us, from head to torso. A warm uplifting feeling settled in my tummy, a sort of golden feeling, like a fire. What's this feeling..? Why am I still giggling and grinning like I'm under the influence? Is this pride? Woah! I was proud of this piece of work.

"... this is _so_ weird" Internal changes were happening to me at the crack of a whip as of today, March 24 1984.

Speaking of changes, I wondered what would happen on Monday. Almost every teenager hates Mondays, but the moment that dreaded word presented itself if my mind, that's when my starry-eyed, warm, bubbly feeling dispersed.

It was a question furry, my head hurt and I felt like a junkie. I wanted to think of Andrew's kiss, and have a starry-eyed rush of Oxycontin. I just couldn't!

When all Shermer high's students flood through the doors, will it be different, or remain as it always has been? Like sheep, everybody would follow the laws of there cliques. Claire would return to her clique, blatantly ignoring us folk who are glued lower down on the social hierarchy. Brian wouldn't, I wasn't sure about John. Claire and him were getting pretty friendly in the parking-lot, surely she wouldn't just ignore the guy she kissed and gave one of her diamond earrings to..right in front of her father!

And Andrew, what about him? He'd go back to doing everything everybody tells him without question or any sort of independent thinking. He'd ignore us, or cut us up in front of his friends if any outsider were to talk to him. I hear his friends boast about the girls they've been with as if they were toys rather than human beings. Would Andrew brush off our kiss and condemn it to some sort of worthless street slang?

These social boundaries, I curse them.

A physical pain arising in my chest, and the tears began to fall. My own rain drops leak down my cheeks, removing the makeup Claire so delicately applied. There goes the blush in a trickle of warm hues.. her light application of eyeliner..smudged. I cast aside the head band, and my waves of hair fell in front of my eyes.. My shield was returning.

I exposed my heart, and I rose to cloud nine, now I know the truth I'm falling. Now there is nobody there to catch me.

Covering my face I feel a pang to the stomach.. and a slash through the heart..

Rain pounded at the windows, whispering, taunting and mocking me.

"This hurts like a bitch" I whispered and I dropped my journal no longer caring about my drawing.

In the girl's bathrooms, I always overheard along with the - whole freaking school; Claire's friends crying and moping about with makeup running down their faces usually cursing guys and relationships. All because a boy broke their hearts. Being the cynical person I am, or was..I always rolled my eyes at their pathetic faces, their shaking shoulders and dramatic analogies. Now karma has slapped me upside the head and now think I understand their hurt. A tug-of-war game was going on in my chest, and I knew once that rope snapped and the players fell flat on their backs, my tears would flood.

Bringing my knees up to my chin and curling myself into a tight ball. I was trying to stop myself from crying, a strong impulse rattled in me to run away. Yes, I wanted to run from my problems, run away from home, run away from it all. My bag sat woefully in the corner, I could run away "_My bags are packed_" so to speak from a literal point of view. Would I as Brain asked subject myself to the violent dangers of these Chicago streets? No of course I wouldn't. Shit! I'm scared of venturing around my neighborhood, so I guess I couldn't.

Running away seemed so enticing, like a siren's harmonious call.

"Running away" I mumbled into my knees.. the only time I've had to run from trouble was today. Running around the hallways was perhaps the most fun I've had in..well forever. All five of us became one homogeneous group, our stereotypes did not exist - we were equals. A sad laugh escape my lips as I recalled the mad rush..

But.. what would happen to me on Monday? I mused for ages, and my breath even out. Finally opening up my eyes, sun-light was piercing through the fibers of my drapes. I knew change was in order. I stretched my cramped body and it creaked and strained in relief, with a quick flick of my wrist I through back a curtain.

"I'm not gonna be alone anymore" I declared into the air, I was going to show everybody who I was. I'd been labelled a "Basket-Case" and rightfully so, given my strange behavior. I was ready for Monday, and I was going to show Shermer High who I was underneath my moth-eaten clothing. I've already exposed the essence of who I am to.. well myself. Like a child during "Show-and-tell" who presents an object with pride. I was going to present who I was to the world, with pride.

With Andy's jacket still around my shoulders, I tried to promise myself I'd throw it to the side of my room because I knew that it was no use clutching onto something - to somebody that wouldn't care about me come Monday morning. I was stronger than this. Outside the rain began to soften and a gentle sun-set revealing it's self to the world.

Now all I had to do was cry as I was left with the realization that come Monday morning; Andrew will forget about what happened. He'd forget about me. Of course he would.

They all would.

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_**Author's Note: **_

_**What did you think? I'm pretty excited about the next couple of chapters :) Reviews are very much appreciated! xoxo**_


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